him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
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“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*