Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”