@Cornjerker78

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

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@JefeJK47

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

@Jandalize

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

@StellaGMaddox

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

@Reverend_Scott

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

@audipenny

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

@MrSpoonicorn

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

@__sambha

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

@noog

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”