A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
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My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules