Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”