Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed