Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.![]()
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A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.