My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
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There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
When I laugh on my period
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.