Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
You Might Also Like
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I feel like one of these would kill a European