Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”