Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?