I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
who did the taste test?