How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
You Might Also Like
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
choose your gary
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively