Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
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Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.