warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
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ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Happy Halloween 🎃
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.