warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
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Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
This is me
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”