warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
You Might Also Like
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Happy Friday