Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
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“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
as is their right
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
The real reason evolution started..😂
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks