A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”