Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
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I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup