“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
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I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I think this should do it.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~