Deer are just ballerina dogs
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BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question