I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
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If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon