I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
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welp
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
me and the Superbowl rn
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*