9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…