9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
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Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
i will not be silenced
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Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?