Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
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If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
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They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
bought wrong eggs
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*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…