Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
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[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.