The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
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Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson