when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!