when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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Reporter: *ports again*
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!