I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
asking santa clause for nudes
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”