I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
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You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.