One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations