One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
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Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”