Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
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To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.