*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.