An amish party in the desert called churning man.
You Might Also Like
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?