12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
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Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
just left a huge legacy in there
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.