USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
me, too, girl. me, too.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice