Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
What the hell is going on?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?