@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
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I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
inventing words: clothing
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
good work, detective
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest