Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
You Might Also Like
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*