pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
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side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.