Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
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I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
i meant to share this earlier
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Clients after you give them your rates
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla