Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
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“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!