god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
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PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
#Caturday
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Banking tips
Put my back out twerking in the library again
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.