My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way