*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
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My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no