So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.