So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what