[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
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A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Peace was never an option
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.