Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
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who wore it better?
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Swedish for common sense.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.