People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
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9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.