So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
my dad has had enough