I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
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Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Taking phone security to the next level.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
what does he know…
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product