‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
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THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where