My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
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Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.