At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
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Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Put this video in the Louvre
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.