Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
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DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
They’re on their honeymoon
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.